When I first set out on my magical journey across the world.. (that is over dramatic UD talk for, "when I was required for work to go to Florida,") I immediately wanted to sew my royal oats upon a palm tree, or actually splash my baby batter on some Waffle House waffles! However glancing over the scenery that will have you blinded by all the silicone headlights poking out of those itsy bitty teenie weenie, well you get the idea, I realized that all though I have the hottest shoes and the most stylish John Varvatos clothing out there I would be nothing more than a goat herder to these women without a new pair of stunning shades.
So immediately I traveled to South Beaches' high fashion district which is really in North Miami Beach and is not the famed Lincoln Road, which is just an overpriced Mexican flea market now. No friends when shopping in Miami you must go to the Bal Harbour Shops. Everything from Prada to Dolce to Louis to Cartier to Gucci and everything in between. It's probably the only place in all of Florida where you can at least feel as if you are shopping in London or dare I say NYC.
I must have tried on every name brand pair of shades I could find but nothing fit right until I got to Gucci! Gucci had the idea all along. Bold, simple, aviator, and vintage! I liked those Gucci's so much my bi-polar shopping mind forced me to go with the black and the tortoise shell.... Shit sometimes I'm a little country and sometimes I am a little rock n roll!!!
So feeling a lot more comfortable when approaching ladies in SOBE I began to see what would happen. This is where I began to drink a hell of a lot more than normal. You see in NYC I was good to go after one drink, probably had 3 numbers and still a full wallet. But, I could go on and on and on with talking to a beautiful biatch in SOBE and feeling as if I was in the clear like I would be in NYC for some sheet rockin' only to find out that:
A.) she is married
B.) she is married but her boyfriend owns the club you are at
C.) she is married to the owner of the hotel you are staying at
D.) she is really a stripper and you are actually in a strip club without even knowing it cause everything is over priced and everyone is half naked no matter where you go in SOBE
E.) yes she may be 27 and look like a model but she also has two kids and a baby daddy locked up in prison for sexually assaulitng a minor... (true story)
uhhhhh.... yeah at this point UD is thinking if only he were gay then he would have easily made his quota for the month in Florida by now... so yes I do strike out we all know that... but going O FOR A MONTH!!!! What the F!!!!????
Desperate times cause for desperate measures... so I did what any notorious serial dater would do, lowered my standards. And by that I mean I had sex with younger girls. Ok well just 1 younger girl. 18 is legal you know but I never went that far. Now 19 is all good cause you know most 19 year old girls these days have had at least 3 maybe even 5 guys and at least 1 girl. I like experience. I do not and let me say this again I DO NOT like to train girls how to have sex. You either know or you don't but I am not going to show you what to do. If you don't know what gets you off and how you like it well that is between you and god and not UD!
So our fairy tale begins where all good fairy tales should, A HOT TUB!!!! In Florida the best place to meet younger girls is in a hot tub, because the idea of being in something that you couldn't go in without adult supervision for the longest time still excites a soon to be 20 year old! So with the Gucci's on and pasty white skin I hopped into the hot tub and immediately began Operation "Standards? What Standards?"
After a few preliminary questions I.E. "are you at least 19?" I was ready to see if UD really could actually get a date in Florida! Our 19 year-old who I will call Barbie loved every moment talking to someone so cool, so mature, and more importantly someone with incredible tortoise shell Gucci sunglasses, (Did I mention they had the Gucci Crest in the middle of the frames?)
I offered to take her out, and yes to a place that was 21 and older... Please do not have me arrested for this, I know not what I do sometimes! "God I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall become one"
So after a quick little shopping spree to get her something appropiate to wear, you know something that had high quality fabric and boosted her perfect 19 year-old 34 C's right up to her neck, we were headed to a lesson on what it is like to pretend that you are a V.I.P. I really have no clue what happened between our point of entering the club and the moment our faces became glued to one another in the service elevator just before I began munching on her peach like I had never eaten a day in life. Before long our tongues never left each of our bodies and we not only did it in that elevator, we did 2 times on the ride home.
Living in NYC I was use to doing it in many weird public places in and around the city, but I had not had sex in a car since high school. Man I forgot how hot it is to fog up windows and fit into her super tight place in a well super tight place. I was soaken wet from my sweat and her legs spread so far out that her foot prints left marks on my rear window, something I refused to wash off because I am sentimental like that and I loved it whenever I would look in the rear view window at incoming traffic and be reminded of my sweet little 19 year-old sex barbie that I could fuck at all hours of the day, and sometimes twice during lunch hour!
After awhile our sweet Ken and Barbie romance ended about as fast as it began. Mainly because before long the idea of just having sex all the time was just not enough even for a sweet girl who went to community college. So when the thought of being in a relationship came up we both went our seperate ways, and I am sure she is having the time of her life with someone she will undoubtly break the heart of not too long from now when some other older more mature dude comes along and she gets the urge to act like well the way grown ups like to act if you get my idea.
As for your hero, he finally sealed the deal in Florida and was ready to see what it was like to fuck someone his own age again!
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