The Return of SEXYtary!!!!

Sexytary is my super mad hot executive assistant who has gotten a raise in position and dollars since the last time you spoke to her and yet still has not let me raise her to the top like she belongs if you know what I mean!

Still married and still faithful... that is why I love her:

The following is a conversation between she and I about the return of UD and marriage!!!

UD:
read read

SEXYTARY:
i read last night on my way home
very entartaining
but something was off
it did not feel like unadater

UD:
im a little rusty

SEXYTARY:
i guess ur a lil rusty
lol
but nevertheless i did like it
i was entertained

UD:
k
rusty

SEXYTARY:
you need to come back to ny "where the vajajay is soooooo easy"
thats where you get inspired
you were soooo goood

UD:
yes yes
i mean that story was a year ago

SEXYTARY:
no its just there is something missing in the writing
it doesnt feel like UD
once a ud always a ud
u just need to come .....where UD can be himself

UD:
you just want me

SEXYTARY:
............................no.....................................u know im a married woman

UD:
2 things I have learned over the last year is.. 1. i am not a homewrecker but that doesnt mean I wont try
and 2. being married means shit

SEXYTARY:
ud?
is that you?
no seriously i still havent cheated

UD:
confession time
in the past year i have had sex with 3 married women
and one bj
probably because they knew I was from out of town and the drama would be less

SEXYTARY:
i agreee with you completely
but im just saying .....i havent done it,

UD:
i believe you

When Ken F'd Barbie

When I first set out on my magical journey across the world.. (that is over dramatic UD talk for, "when I was required for work to go to Florida,") I immediately wanted to sew my royal oats upon a palm tree, or actually splash my baby batter on some Waffle House waffles! However glancing over the scenery that will have you blinded by all the silicone headlights poking out of those itsy bitty teenie weenie, well you get the idea, I realized that all though I have the hottest shoes and the most stylish John Varvatos clothing out there I would be nothing more than a goat herder to these women without a new pair of stunning shades.

So immediately I traveled to South Beaches' high fashion district which is really in North Miami Beach and is not the famed Lincoln Road, which is just an overpriced Mexican flea market now. No friends when shopping in Miami you must go to the Bal Harbour Shops. Everything from Prada to Dolce to Louis to Cartier to Gucci and everything in between. It's probably the only place in all of Florida where you can at least feel as if you are shopping in London or dare I say NYC.



I must have tried on every name brand pair of shades I could find but nothing fit right until I got to Gucci! Gucci had the idea all along. Bold, simple, aviator, and vintage! I liked those Gucci's so much my bi-polar shopping mind forced me to go with the black and the tortoise shell.... Shit sometimes I'm a little country and sometimes I am a little rock n roll!!!

So feeling a lot more comfortable when approaching ladies in SOBE I began to see what would happen. This is where I began to drink a hell of a lot more than normal. You see in NYC I was good to go after one drink, probably had 3 numbers and still a full wallet. But, I could go on and on and on with talking to a beautiful biatch in SOBE and feeling as if I was in the clear like I would be in NYC for some sheet rockin' only to find out that:

A.) she is married
B.) she is married but her boyfriend owns the club you are at
C.) she is married to the owner of the hotel you are staying at
D.) she is really a stripper and you are actually in a strip club without even knowing it cause everything is over priced and everyone is half naked no matter where you go in SOBE
E.) yes she may be 27 and look like a model but she also has two kids and a baby daddy locked up in prison for sexually assaulitng a minor... (true story)

uhhhhh.... yeah at this point UD is thinking if only he were gay then he would have easily made his quota for the month in Florida by now... so yes I do strike out we all know that... but going O FOR A MONTH!!!! What the F!!!!????

Desperate times cause for desperate measures... so I did what any notorious serial dater would do, lowered my standards. And by that I mean I had sex with younger girls. Ok well just 1 younger girl. 18 is legal you know but I never went that far. Now 19 is all good cause you know most 19 year old girls these days have had at least 3 maybe even 5 guys and at least 1 girl. I like experience. I do not and let me say this again I DO NOT like to train girls how to have sex. You either know or you don't but I am not going to show you what to do. If you don't know what gets you off and how you like it well that is between you and god and not UD!

So our fairy tale begins where all good fairy tales should, A HOT TUB!!!! In Florida the best place to meet younger girls is in a hot tub, because the idea of being in something that you couldn't go in without adult supervision for the longest time still excites a soon to be 20 year old! So with the Gucci's on and pasty white skin I hopped into the hot tub and immediately began Operation "Standards? What Standards?"

After a few preliminary questions I.E. "are you at least 19?" I was ready to see if UD really could actually get a date in Florida! Our 19 year-old who I will call Barbie loved every moment talking to someone so cool, so mature, and more importantly someone with incredible tortoise shell Gucci sunglasses, (Did I mention they had the Gucci Crest in the middle of the frames?)

I offered to take her out, and yes to a place that was 21 and older... Please do not have me arrested for this, I know not what I do sometimes! "God I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall become one"

So after a quick little shopping spree to get her something appropiate to wear, you know something that had high quality fabric and boosted her perfect 19 year-old 34 C's right up to her neck, we were headed to a lesson on what it is like to pretend that you are a V.I.P. I really have no clue what happened between our point of entering the club and the moment our faces became glued to one another in the service elevator just before I began munching on her peach like I had never eaten a day in life. Before long our tongues never left each of our bodies and we not only did it in that elevator, we did 2 times on the ride home.

Living in NYC I was use to doing it in many weird public places in and around the city, but I had not had sex in a car since high school. Man I forgot how hot it is to fog up windows and fit into her super tight place in a well super tight place. I was soaken wet from my sweat and her legs spread so far out that her foot prints left marks on my rear window, something I refused to wash off because I am sentimental like that and I loved it whenever I would look in the rear view window at incoming traffic and be reminded of my sweet little 19 year-old sex barbie that I could fuck at all hours of the day, and sometimes twice during lunch hour!

After awhile our sweet Ken and Barbie romance ended about as fast as it began. Mainly because before long the idea of just having sex all the time was just not enough even for a sweet girl who went to community college. So when the thought of being in a relationship came up we both went our seperate ways, and I am sure she is having the time of her life with someone she will undoubtly break the heart of not too long from now when some other older more mature dude comes along and she gets the urge to act like well the way grown ups like to act if you get my idea.

As for your hero, he finally sealed the deal in Florida and was ready to see what it was like to fuck someone his own age again!

The Florida Mako Shark

If there is one thing I learned about Florida women vs. New York women (besides the obvious fact that Florida women are so much hotter, have way better bodies, are extremely tan, can eat Cheeseburgers and don't mind their innocent slaughter, and still look curvaceous in their little bikinis with nice voluptious titties, a sexy little waist and can fuck nothing you've ever seen outside a Stanley Kubric film with the exception of "A Clockwork Orange" but I digress) is the fact that they can sure use their va-jay-jay way more to their advantage than a New York cougar ever tried.

A strange, unique creature unlike any I've encountered before, the Florida woman lurks around the swamp-like infestation of South Beach nightclubs, hunting their prey with hawk-like precision for Saudi Princes who own not one Ferrari but 8 and at least 12 nightclubs. Maybe its the slow-paced life and cheap drinks that easily bought for them that keep these beauties from spreading their legs so fast. You have to admit a New York las is always on the go and does not have time to play the games when they are need of a good rogering. NYC is a go go go world and Florida is a wait for me to catch up world. So women in the sunshine state use their lack of lust for male members to be inserted inside of them way to their advantage. Or maybe they just haven't had their back side blown out yet.

Now I will say this... New York Women, you do have the most intelligent, classy, charming, debutaunte minds.. dare I say brilliant minds probably more than any other woman in the world. And I love it when it gets warm out and you really express your amazing fashion sense and ability to show skin and stay classy unlike a Florida whore who shows skin by wearing as least clothes as possible leaving nothing to the imagination, however you are not.. and i say this with only the truest intentions... you are not the sharpest with your poonany as a Florida woman is... Meaning, you give it up way too easy than a Florida girl.

Even the holiest of all gold diggers in New York, will get fucked 12 times on a Sunday morning before brunch before a Florida woman will come close to fucking once in a month.

Now of course I'm psychic and the UnaDater so I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "UD you are just bitter because you didn't get laid as much as you were use to in NYC."

Not so fast, my friends. I've definately kept to my ratio of women, I've just really lowered my standards. 18 is legal you know?

So what have we learned? Well obvbiously the FL women know the motto "the power of the pussy" more than any Fortune 500 model CEO ever will.

Women in NY may run Fortune 500 Companies, but women in Florida run men that run Fortune 500 companies.

And yes, that includes the men that live in New York, and that might even be your husband. I've got news for you-- you don't stand a chance against the Florida Va-jay-jay.

I bring to the table exhibit A-- the Upsell.

You may be asking yourself, how can a tourist destination like Florida charge $6 for a grey goose with a splash of cranberry when bars in NY charge 14... the answer.. the upsell.

When you go to an LES bar for a cheep beer-- you are always being served by a man who bartended in the 80''s who has bigger boobs than your last out-of-town 'girlfriend', who you fucked in August but still yet feel a sweet connection to, and just want to be held.

And while we are talking about the upsell let me talk about a bar in Florida. First of all, if you have a penis, there is no way you will ever serve a drink in this statie. 2nd of all, if you are just a plain Jane and do not possess the sexiest body in the whole world, or a bad tit-job, or hair that looks like a Hollywood actress.. you have no chance in holy hell of being a bartender and/or cocktail waitress in the state of Florida.

Your best bet, if you are just an everyday plain Jane, is to be a server at Applebees. Only, you'll still have to compete with the rookies who have the platinum blonde hair, super huge boobs, and amazing tan, that will leave the job in 2 months to go work in a real bar as soon as a job becomes available.

Florida waitresses just have more hustle in their bones than a Russian fresh off the boat working the diamond stage at Scores west (I am not sure about east haven't been there yet)

Sidenote: many of those Russian females specimens can be found loveplanet.ru in case I made you horny again with my talk of Russians... google translate does the trick

anyway...

So to recap the key to Florida's nightlife success is the Upsell... no attitude on these lasses.... no "I dont give a fuck if you buy another drink or not"... no no no... the hottest women in the world litterally treat you like you are somebody even when you are just a country boy in a Tommy Hilfiger shirt holding a bud light. They even give you their number and shit you didnt even have to ask! When a man in Florida goes to a bar, he is not greeted b y 1 woman, but 40 women. The service industry has new meaning down here and it starts with that beautiful waitress that makes you believe you have a chance to get into her pants only to get you to come out and buy shots and take them off her tits all night!

At this point in the post if I still have you New York and you think the Florida sun has baked my brain cells away then allow me to explain exhibit B: MTV did a Spring Break show about Makos a bar that might as well be a strip club in downtown Orlando. Here you can see our Mako Shark waitresses snatch their extremely horny male customers with their very short skirts and pink bra only uniform. "Buy a shot buy a shot, buy my whole tray!" UD bought 3 one night hehe!

An MTV producer who must have fallen into the same shark trap when he went to his bosses over at 1515 development and told them to produce a Spring Break show about how crazy Makos is with all the body shots going on. I do recommend this place if you want feel like you are in a strip club but don't want to go to one! A body shot can be almost as a good as a lap dance in the champagne room, but that all depends on the stripper you choose for the champagne room.

The World's Serial Dater

Living the life as a serious Bi-Polar serial dater is risky, true, but only because someone such as myself can not live by a certain set of rules. I.E. I like many of you currently would much rather spend all my means rather than save up on that college tuition for a little UD.

Living by no set of standards and rules gets me in more trouble than I would like to admit. Over the past year I have met my fair share of thieves, hillbillies, law enforcers, celebrities, strippers, hookers, bartenders, rappers, rockers, drinkers, beaters, delusionals, coke heads, meth addicts, sluts, bankers, welders, and everyone in between. And surprisingly enough I feel that no matter who I run into they are not any different than the person I just met a day before. Everyone has the same agenda whether they are a bum on the street or a CEO they all need the same thing. COMPANIONSHIP.

Most find companionship in many outlets, such as, alcohol, sex, robbing, drugs, banking, cooking, arresting, photographs, red carpets, beating, singing. Whatever allows these people to not feel alone is what makes them make it through the day. Sex is my drug and without I am no different than someone homeless sleeping in the cold January air of NYC.

It was one year ago that I set out to create who in my mind would be a superhero to all. A man with flaws sure but could finally express himself without having to wear a mask. A man you could live vicariously through, someone that would not be afraid to make the mistakes you don't want to make and the risk you refuse to take. Someone that will not be scared of all the fears created by the media and someone who could care less if the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. I wanted to be real and fantasy all in its own and I want you to be able to feel what I have been feeling all the way.

But, was I truly this person, or was I only someone who would wake up only to come up with his next story for a blog. In order to be credible I had to prove to myself that I could be your hero without having to do it just for the sake of writing about it. I had to live it as if it was everyday life for me, and after a year of going through this I know three things; I am truly the real and everlasting UnaDater, I am flat broke and busted, and I am 30lbs heavier!

So on my year anniversary I will set out to bring back the world you and your friends want for yourself but are not willing to make the sacrifices that being a manic serial dater requires.

I not only went on a sexcapade around the country but around the world only to have a new story for you each day, and as I lay in my bed in San Jose, Costa Rica with a woman who looks exactly as I want all my women to look like naked laying right next to me I can only think of one thing I want to do, fuck her brains out for the 5th time in 8 hours!!!!

I'm BAAAAAACKKK!!!

"Where have you been Unadater?"

Ask so many of you each and every day.

No matter how many times I'm desired, I can never get over myself enough to actually complete a full sabbatical to the Dhali Lama.

I need stimulus. I need activity. I need movies. I need Poonany.

Even the kind that's violent.

I need my Gold Calculator Watch AAAND my Amazing Gucci Black and Tortosie Shell Sunglasses.

I love flip-flops more than ever.

Yes, I've been in Florida, and no, my heart did not miss you... But I am so honored that so many of you have missed me.

Most New Yorkers cannot understand Florida. They think its boring. They think there's nothing that Florida can actually add to the excitement that is the Big Apple. They think it's full of pastel colors and beautiful sunsets and old people who couldn't care less about how much they weigh.

New Yorkers... I've got news for you. There are more old people, more-physically fit, than most bankers you'll find in Wall Street.. and their beautiful leathery skin... and there's enough Viagra floating around so that yacht boat sex is made possible throughout the Intercoastals while sweet-sipping on Mojitos. With fresh Mint, of course.

Florida is... Heaven. New York is... the Gate that Leads to Heaven.

Or maybe... that place in-between purgatory in Divine Comedy.

Anyways, I'm back. I landed at approx 2:05, Friday, May 30th at LaGuardia's Airport.

New York.. I may not have missed you, but believe me when I say this.. the 3 month spring break that I endured has given me, beyond all reasonable doubt, the strength to continue on, in mass quantities, my extreme, sociopathic.. compulsive.. manic spending, serial-dating ways. Especially now that I have a super-hot tan, even bigger muscles... and, have I mentioned my Gucci's-- both black and tortoise-shell... and an abundance of flip-flops.

You may wonder, "Why is he so cocky and not glorifying his journey home?"

Well. I just wanted you to remember just who you are dealing with here.... I am not a hero-- I am an anti-hero.

I am not someone you worship like Carrie Bradshaw--- I'm someone who Fucks Carrie Bradshaw.

I am somebody who wants to have Anal Sex with Carrie Bradshaw.. though I don't think she's ever had it. But I know that other Whore has.. what's her name? Tabitha?

And you know the redhead has-- Because all redheads have had anal sex.

SOOOO I just want you to know that I'm back.. not really.. well no, I did want you to know that I'm back

And don't worry-- plenty of Spring Break stories to come.

I just need to have my scar marks on my back healed. (Note to self: never have sex with a violent, kinky girl named after one of the 50 states when you have a sunburn on your back and have one of your friends play golf with her the next day. She might fall in love.. and stalk you.)


Oh how I miss Florida already.

UD in SOBE for Spring Break

Where have you been UD? We miss you! Wish I could say the same, but I have to be real honest here, as I always am, I am in freaking South Miami Beach, and I do not miss anything that has to do with cold and snow and leafless trees, and that means the people who live in that atmosphere either!

Now normally Spring Breaks are a week and sometimes two, but I do nothing in moderation and I am going to be spending at least a good 3 months on Spring Break. I mean if god intended all of you to spend a week off in March once a year he would have called it One Week in March Break. No, it's Spring Break! SPRING BREAK!

SPPPPPPPRING BREAK!!!

Take the entire Spring off, thats what I do. So here I am in a condo on South Beach overlooking the Atlantic sitting out on the balcony feeling the breeze in 78 degree weather!

Now I will admit after going out last night and seeing the beautiful skin of all of Miami's finest I am a bit overwhelmed. It might take me a day or two to adjust but never fear I already got my first number today while shopping for new sun glasses at Gucci in Bal Harbour Shops. The beautiful blonde showing off her incredible assets while hypnotizing me with her deep blue eyes slipped me her card and wrote her phone number on the back without me asking! Of course she also managed to get me to buy not one but two pairs of Gucci glasses. I'm gemini we know and honestly sometimes I am a little bit country, but fuck it sometimes I am a little bit rock n roll!

I have a disease!!!!!

WHO CARES! I'm in South Beach now!!!

So here New York City's most notorious serial dater is now NYC's and Miami's most notorious SD!!!

The Thoughts of SEXYtary

UD:
Good morninggggggggg

SEXYtary:
Good morning
You are soooo sweet writing about me in your blog

UD:
The people demand it
They love you
How do you feel about that?

SEXYtary:
It feels good, very good
Hehe

UD:
We have to have weekly dialogue on the blog
Today it is your thoughts on women that don't cuss

SEXYtary:
Lolz
I don't know any except my mom and I cannot hate on my mama

UD:
Is your mom freaky?

SEXYtary:
Ewwww
No my mom is not freaky

UD:
But you are suggesting that if a girl doesn't cuss she deserves hating on correct?

SEXYtary:
No actually
I would think she comes from a good background and that's like wifey material, or psycho material lol
Actually, I don't know it's confusing
I never met a person who refuses cuss
I wouldn't like someone who is so fuckin uptight
I mean nowadays kids cuss at like 5
Even being called a bitch is no longer offensive to a woman
Hey look at Myspace every other bitch is proud to be a bitch
And someone who does not cuss would be just fuckin weird
But then again I don't exactly attend royal dinners either

UD:
This is why I'm in love with you...